The Fool Who Thought He Could Fly
by Her Sweetness
Summary: [Oneshot] Bakura wants his quarter, Ryou wants some sanity and Marik wants some... oops, Xrated! ... Yes, that's right limbs CAN be sewed back on. [Happy B Day, Heidi!]


Disclaimer: Speak no evil, see no evil, own no Yu-Gi-Oh!

Her Sweetness: Oh yeah! It's Heidi's Birthday! We're going all out with a oneshot written by moi! This is so weird, but I like it. Hope you do, too, Heidi! And the rest of you! XD

* * *

— The Fool Who Thought He Could Fly —

* * *

"AAAHHH!"

"OUT OF MY WAY!"

"NOOO!"

"YES! HAHAHAHA!"

The aisle was a battlefield. Everywhere you looked, there were cereal boxes on the floor and Viagra pills being thrown carelessly around. Women with children in the front seat of their shopping carts tried to move aside from the weapon of mass destruction that was stampeding down the aisle but he took had no mercy and mowed them over.

A woman at the very end of the aisle was unaware of the mayhem that was going on and she continued to admire a display of tuna that was set up to look like a pyramid. Just as she was reaching out to get a can, a shrill cry echoed throughout the store and she looked behind her in horror at a young man with silver hair and chocolate cherry eyes glowing as he grinned, charging at her with his cart.

He shouted out, "_TUNA_!"

"AAAHHH!"

Everyone in other aisles watched as they collided. There was a large boom, a few cries for help and as the smoke cleared, the insane man stood on the destroyed mountain of tuna cans and held up one can triumphantly.

Over the loud speaker came a bored woman's voice, "Psycho in Aisle 2."

When the rest of the shoppers could believe their eyes, a young teen came from out of the scared crowd and ran up to said Psycho.

He put his hands on his hips and yelled in a disbelieving way, "Bakura! What are you doing?"

He smiled at his hikari and pointed at the blue can he held, "I got the tuna, Ryou. What's next on the list?"

"…" Ryou blinked before sweat dropping, "I-I can't take you anywhere…!"

Bakura lowered the can, his lips twitched to a pout but he tried to hold it back, "What do you mean? I got the stupid tuna!"

"But look at what you've done!" He pointed back towards the aisle that the pale yami had just destroyed. The store janitors had to come out with their large brooms and mops and a few of them had to sneak the dead shoppers into the back, unnoticed, so as to not incite mass panic. Ryou turned back to him, "Bakura, you have you watch out for other people. And there was plenty of tuna, you didn't have to mow people over for it!"

"But it was fun." He stated bluntly.

"…"

"What's next on the list?" He grabbed a little sheet of paper from Ryou's hand and read down after the word 'Tuna'. He nodded thoughtfully before pulling out his cart and screaming wildly, "_BANANA_!"

"AAAHHH!"

Everyone, the young and the old, scampered away as fast as their broken limps would allow.

"No!" Ryou stopped the destruction before it began by throwing himself in front of the cart. Bakura blinked, looking at him funny and then shouted in objection as Ryou took the cart and the list away.

"What're you doing? We still have half a list left!"

"_I_ still have half a list left. Bakura, you should go wait outside for me, it'll be really quick if I do this myself."

"I can do it quick—"

"'Kura, don't argue with me! Here," He reached back, pulling out four quarters from his pocket and handed them to the confused yami, smiling, "You can go ride that mechanical pony you like so much!"

"I-I do not _like_ it!" Bakura defended himself, "I just… think it understands me…"

Ryou continued to smile then pushed the cart down the tuna-can hill, going past the dead bodies while whistling a little tune.

Bakura looked around cautiously before taking the four quarters and running out of the store.

* * *

Five minutes later, in front of the grocery store that he had earlier been wreaking havoc in, Bakura was riding contently on the pink and white stripped pony that was beside the soda machines.

People who were venturing into the store looked at him oddly before hurrying inside and one little boy, accompanied by his mother, walked up to Bakura and the pony and tugged on the yami's pant leg.

"Hey, mista, can I wide dat pony?"

"GRR!" Bakura growled ferociously and the little boy cried and the mother screamed, carrying him away.

After that, no one bothered him.

So, he rode in silence without being bothered and as the pony stopped it's vibrating and rocking back and forth, Bakura raised his last quarter to the sky, shouting, "Ha! I still have one left!" He said triumphantly and, just as he was about to put the quarter in the slot, something swooped by him, a gray flash that he could barely see. Blinking, his eyes then determined it to be a bird, a pigeon, and said pigeon flew up on a power line and flapped it's wings innocently.

Bakura shrugged and continued to put his quarter in the slot… only he realized his hand was empty. He stopped for a moment and looked at his hand, then the ground, and there was nothing there. He looked up and his eyes widened, seeing the pigeon with something shiny and metallic and round in it's beak. The quarter!

He got off the pony and walked into the parking lot, looking up at the bird that was about fifty feet off the ground. Bakura folded his arms and shouted, "Ha ha, very funny. Alright, you can give me back my quarter now!"

The bird ignored him.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!"

There was still no recognition.

"F-Fine! You want to ignore me? Then I'll just come up there and get it myself!"

He huffed and looked at the large wooden pole before him. Grinning, he spat on his hands, rubbed them together and threw himself at the beam and began to shimmy up it, gathering splinters in the crotch of his pants. But, as painful as that was, he sallied forth and continued to shimmy.

A few people below stopped their trekking to and from their cars to stare at the teen who was now halfway up the wooden beam. As Bakura was continuing to climb, all the while muttering about chaffing, the front doors to the grocery store opened automatically for a boy with identical silver hair with a cart full of groceries. He wheeled it out into the parking lot and looked to the left where there sat a lonely mechanical pony.

He blinked, "Bakura…?"

Looking around, Ryou's eyes widened in shock when he saw his beloved other half almost at the top of a power line, reaching his hand out to what seemed to be a pigeon.

Screaming, he abandoned his cart and ran to the pole, pushing people aside so he could get close before yelling out, "Bakura! You get down here this instant! What in Ra's name are you doing?"

Bakura didn't need to look down, already recognizing his hikari's frantic voice, "I'm getting my quarter, Ryou, I'll be down in a second!"

"You'll be _dead _in a second if you touch that line! Bakura, that's electricity!"

But, of course, Bakura ignored the boy's warnings and put his hand on the power line.

"AAAHHH!"

"BAKURA!"

"Ooh, look, Mommy," said a little girl, "That man's a Christmas tree!"

Suddenly, Bakura came sailing down to earth, landing on the concrete with a giant thud, moaning in agony. Even though a few people crowded around him, Ryou was the first to squeal and run to his side, "Bakura! Bakura, are you okay? Speak to me!"

He coughed out black smoke, the color of the rest of his body and blinked, looking at his hikari, "D-Did I get my quarter back?"

"W-What quarter?"

Bakura looked around and then back up at the pigeon who was untouched and still had the quarter in it's mouth. It had moved about a foot to the left on the power line. He growled, standing up, "It still has it! My last quarter to ride that pony!"

Ryou's jaw unhinged, "… Y-You… _That_ was about getting a quarter to ride a _mechanical horse_?"

"You're damn right it was! And he won't give it up!"

"…!"

"Hmm… I guess I can't climb up there again, I might get another shock." He said thoughtfully, looking up at the bird while narrowing his eyes. In a second, a metaphoric light bulb appeared over his head and he looked at his hikari, shrugging, "I guess I'll just have to… fly up there."

"… Have you lost your mind? You can't _fly_!"

"Oh, yeah? Then what are these for?" He jiggled the two sections of his hair that were often referred to by Fangirls as 'batwings'. He grinned, "These babies should be all the help I need, right?"

"… Y-You've bumped your head…?"

"Nope!" Bakura looked up at the bird, determinedly, and walked backwards about fifteen feet, hopped on that same mechanical pony, standing on the plastic saddle and tilting his bat wings up with his hands. He shouted at Ryou who was in a state of shock and disrepair, "This'll only take a minute, Ryou!"

"Bakura!" Ryou ran over and stood in front of the pony, "Get down from there! You're not well, we need to get you home!"

Ignoring his younger half, Bakura looked foreword and let go of his 'batwings', jumping off the saddle and straining with all his might to control the muscles in his hair and flap his batwings so that he may take flight. And he did try. But he failed miserably, falling an estimated six feet into a pot hole in the middle of the street.

"Ow…"

"Bakura!" Ryou cried, holding his hand to his mouth, "A-Are you okay?"

"I-I'm fine—"

There was little warning before a nice, blue SUV came bopping down the road, simultaneously running over Bakura's spine.

Ryou, along with the small crowd, yelped and squeaked, waiting in silence until the SUV continued it's bopping and left the parking lot. They watched as a silver head lifted and some of them let a few chuckles slip at the sight of chunks of gravel stuck in his face.

"I-I'm okay. I'm _fine_." He popped his spine back into place and got up with dignity and looked up at the telephone pole.

The bird was currently squawking loudly with laughter, his wing pointed at the albino as he continued his bird-like taunting.

Bakura's eyes widened as he turned to his hikari, "H-He's making fun of me, Ryou!"

"I'd make fun of you, too, if I saw you acting this way on the street!"

"Ooh, that's it! I'm getting my quarter back!" He whipped his head back to the bird, pointing to him and shouting, "You hear that, pigeon? You're going down!"

The pigeon rolled it's beady eyes and kept it's hold on Bakura's beloved quarter.

"_Bakura_! Why can't _I_ just give you another quarter? Hmm?"

"No, no, no." He shook his head, "Ryou, it's not about the _quarter_."

Ryou tilted his head in confusion, "B-But you just said—"

"It's the principle of the thing! Anyone who dares to steal from me will face the consequences! I may not be in Egypt, but I'm still Thief King, dammit!" He whined, balling his fists and stomping on the street, "And I want my quarter!"

Before Ryou could say anything to calm his child-like other self, Bakura stalked over to the by standing group of people who were all snickering behind their hands. He paid no attention to all but on, a cute little girl holding a few balloons in her small hand. Bakura snatched them away, resulting in a fountain to erupt from the girl.

Ryou gasped, shouting, "Bakura! You give those back!"

"No can do, Ryou." He said whilst tying the balloon strings tightly around each of his ears. Ryou watched, mouth agape, as Bakura slowly began to float upwards. Actually everyone in the small crowd — which was now rapidly growing — was pretty much amazed as the crazed albino now reached ten feet, and then twenty and thirty.

Soon, Bakura was at eye level with the top of the telephone pole and the pigeon who didn't look at all afraid, merely skeptical. Bakura grinned, pointing at the bird, "Ha! Now you'll be sorry! What'd I tell ya? And after I get my quarter, I'm going to rip your wings off and boil your head! Then… Ah! H-Hey!" Bakura's triumphant taunting was short-lived as he discovered he was floating above the pigeon, higher than the top of the grocery behind him and ended up looking down at the parking lot that was getting smaller and smaller.

Everyone on the ground looked up and Ryou was the first to shout, "Bakura! Look out for that _plane_!"

He called back down, "What train?"

"_Plane_!"

"Cane?"

"THE BLOODY PLAN—"

"AAAHHHH!"

The bystanders' eyes were wide as they starred up into the sky, "Oooh, pretty…"

* * *

"Bakura, you should be ashamed of yourself. Not only did you _steal_ that little girl's balloon, but you wrecked a group of hijackers' plans! Have you gone off your nut?"

He rolled his eyes while his hikari reprimanded him. They were both in an ambulance that had pulled up about ten minutes ago, Ryou standing with his arms folded as a EMT bandaged Bakura's torso and a few bandages around his head.

Ryou continued, looking at his poor yami and sighing, "Oh well… I guess you've learned your lesson. Let's go home."

Bakura's head jerked up, "_Home_? Ha! The only way I'm going home is if that telephone pole comes with me! I bet that damned bird's still out there? He's out there, isn't he? Laughing at me? Well, we'll see who has the last laugh!"

He stood up and began shouting incoherent things, rocking the ambulance back and forth. The nurse gasped and tried to contain him, though he was scaring her too much for her to stop him.

Ryou's eyes were wide as he stepped out of the back of the rocking vehicle. He sighed. This was probably the craziest Bakura had been since New Years only now he wasn't naked and he didn't have a large feather. After becoming distracted by all the fun he'd had that night, Ryou snapped out of it and whipped out his cell phone.

"If Bakura wants to be this way, then there's nothing I can do about it. But maybe if I get someone who can speak to him on his level…"

_Ring, Ring, Ring…_

"Who the hell is this?"

"Oh! U-Um, Marik?"

* * *

Five minutes later, the sun was about to set and Ryou was in the middle of an argument with the grocery store's manager. Since Bakura's wounds had been tended to, he was back in action and was creating a real commotion.

"You have to get him out of here," yelled the manager, hands on his hips as he frowned down at Ryou, "He's scared off half our business for the day!"

"I've been trying, but it isn't as easy as it looks!"

"Well, I don't get the problem here. Just…" The manager trailed off when Bakura went streaking by with a dart gun and a pack of polish wieners, screaming, "THE BIRDS!"

Ryou glared at the man before running after his yami, "_Told_ you. B-Bakura, you come back here!"

Just before Ryou attempted to tackle his insane other half, Marik came strolling down the street and soon into the parking lot, a familiar and yet annoyed expression on his face. Through the large crowd that had accumulated over the past hour, he weaved his way through and found two heads full of silver hair.

Before Ryou even said anything, Marik gave him a bonk on the head.

"O-Ouch! _Marik_…!" He whined, holding his head with both hands and whining, "What was that for…?"

"Ryou, I should kill you! I _finally_ talked Malik into sleeping with me and then _you_ called!"

"…"

Marik folded his arms and grunted, "So, _why _am I here? And it better be important!"

"U-Um… yes… Um, Bakura, he's trying to… he's trying to… Oh, gosh, this is too embarrassing to even say…" He sighed, "Bakura thinks he can—"

"Fly?"

"… How'd you know?" Ryou asked, shocked.

Marik shrugged and pointed behind him where Bakura was jumping up at a telephone pole, flapping his arms whilst a pigeon up above watched him with waning interest.

Ryou dropped his head in his hands, "He's gone completely nuts!"

The blonde watched Ryou cry for a second before shaking his own head and walking over to Bakura, putting his hand above said albino to cease his hopping. Bakura turned to him, blinking, "Marik?"

"Hey, stop being crazy. You're making Ryou cry and you're messing up my sex life."

"…"

He looked up, raising an eyebrow, "What are you doing anyway? You can't fly."

"Like hell I can't. I'd do anything to get that damned pigeon to gimme my quarter back! Look at him! He's sitting up there with my quarter, getting his _germs_ all over it!" Bakura growled, turning away from the mockery of the pigeon, "But no matter how hard I try, I just can't get up there! And I've tried everything! But every time I do something, I end up hurt or dismembered. I just had my left arm sewed back on. See, you almost can't tell." He swung his arm from side to side, numbly.

"Uh… huh…"

"Hey, hey, Mister!" Came a small voice from the vicinity of Bakura and Marik's knees. They looked down and saw a little boy tugging on Bakura's pant leg. He smiled, "Hey, Mister, could you get run over by my daddy's car again? My sista really liked that!"

"WHAT? That was your dad? Come here you little—"

"EEK!"

Before there were any fatalities, Marik grabbed his friend by the back of his shirt and pulled him away. "Alright, listen up. I'm going to help you fly."

"…" He narrowed his eyes, "_How_?"

"Very simple, my idiotic friend. To catch a bird, you must become a bird. But, obviously, you're a Bakura. So we've gotta make you look more… birdy. …Is that a word?"

Bakura shook his head.

"Oh well, that'll do. So, let's see… Ha, I got it! Hey, Ryou, come here for a sec." Marik waved the smaller albino over and he toddled through the bunches of people who were waiting for Bakura to do something stupid again.

Ryou sniffed, "Yes?"

"I need some tar."

"…" He blinked.

Both Bakura and Marik blinked back at him.

Finally, Ryou shook his head incredulously, "W-Well don't look at me! I don't have _tar_!"

"Oh, really?" Marik raised a skeptical eyebrow before grabbing the boy and jamming his hand down the front of his pants. Ryou squeaked and turned beet red, protesting this act of public molestation. Marik suddenly pulled out a large jar of… tar.

He wiggled it around suggestively at Ryou who looked flustered and mumbled, "I-I don't know how that got there…"

"And now for the feathers." Marik proclaimed, digging in Bakura's pants. Coincidently, Bakura looked quite content with his best friend fishing around in his trousers. Marik, triumphantly, pulled out a bag of feathers and turned to Bakura, "Alright, you. Off with your clothes."

* * *

"Oh my goodness! B-Bakura! You get down from there this instant! Marik, _do_ something!"

"I am doing something! Okay, Bakura, spread out your wings!"

"He does not HAVE wings!"

Both Marik and Ryou were down on the ground in front of the telephone pole that the pigeon with the quarter was perched on. Bakura, meanwhile, was on top of the grocery store's roof, with hot tar all over his naked body and feathers on top of that. He was not comfortable, but he felt as if it might work this time. After all, he had feathers, didn't he?

Bakura spread out his arms as ordered, "Hey, Marik, are you sure this is gonna work? I don't wanna have to go through that sewing on limbs crap again!"

"Ah, stop being a baby! All you have to do is glide and just swoop by the bird and grab your damn quarter. Ready?"

"Don't do it, Bakura!" Ryou called wildly, "If you were a cat, you'd have negative three lives! Don't play with chance!"

"Dive, Bakura!" Marik shouted, ignoring the flailing hikari beside him.

And Bakura did as he was told. He stupidly jumped and tried not to think about what would happen should his friend's plan fail. He let the wind carry him about two inches and then he plummeted like a rock, down towards the cement. People down below were betting whether he would break his legs or his head. As he felt his body dropping, Bakura tried desperately to flap his 'wings' and that only got him so far.

Before he knew it, he'd rammed his head into something hard. Everyone watching, including Ryou, gasped as Bakura had 'flown' right into the base of the telephone pole, causing all the birds, including that pigeon, to fly away.

Marik grinned and reached into his back pocket, bringing out a shiny quarter and then proceeding to drop it on Bakura's head.

"Oooh…" Bakura moaned, rubbing his head, "Oh Ra, that was terrible…! Marik, I should—Oh Ra! My quarter!" He had sat up on the ground and, to him, it looked like his quarter had fallen from the sky. A large grin spread all over his face as he held it to the sky, "I did it! Ryou, Marik! I defeated that pigeon and now I can ride… Hey!"

He looked behind himself at where his prized mechanical pony once stood. There was a large truck by it and a few men were putting it in and hauling it away. The same men replaced it with a mechanical aardvark.

Bakura gasped, "M-My pony…!"

Ryou's mouth was hanging open as he starred at his other half, so many emotions inside him that he could only make a small squeak before shouting, "Bakura, you idiot! You could've been killed! Over a bloody mechanical horse! I should flog you! You can sleep out in the cold tonight, for all I care!" He began to stomp off, steam shooting from his ears, "AND I AM NEVER TAKING YOU TO THE STORE AGAIN! _EVER_!"

Bakura and Marik watched him drive off in his car. The people around them dispersed when they saw no more harm would come to 'that dumb white guy'. Bakura sighed, "I was so close… And now Ryou's mad at me!"

"Eh, don't worry about it." Marik shrugged, "You can stay at our house tonight. Hey, if Malik's feeling well, maybe we could have a threesome."

"You think so? Oh, but should I take off the feathers, first?"

"… Nah. He might like it."

"… Alright."

* * *

— Owari —

* * *

Her Sweetness: -winks- Happy Birthday, Hei-chan.

And to the rest of you. You know the drill. Drop and give me twenty reviews! XD


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